Monday, January 21, 2008

Don't Make Me Whoop Out the Pig

Birmingham News columnist John Archibald wrote a column yesterday about Rep. John Rogers bill to repeal the ban on sex toys.

John Rogers out to bust ban on sex toys

Call it the Rep. John Rogers Sex Act.

Oh, heaven forbid. Please don't call it that.

Call it instead the "John Rogers Sex Toy Legalization Law," or the Rogers "Self Satisfaction Is OK By Me" bill.

No? Then just say Free the Vibes. And now I'm feeling flushed.

Actually, Rogers' bill, prefiled in the Alabama House, is far more mundane than all that, in name and content.

House Bill 12 is brief and simple. It would do little more than its 18-word synopsis:

"Under existing law, the sale of devices for sexual stimulation is prohibited. This bill would delete this provision."

Now don't get all hot and bothered. The last time Rogers tried to end the ban on personal sex products, he was garroted in the House. He got an award in 2003 for introducing the "deadest" bill of all.

But since then, the great state Alabama, where we still officially dare defend our rights, has been pulled through the national wringer for its in-your-bedroom encroachment on civil liberties.

Alabama Attorney General Troy King has continued a bizarre and costly battle against good vibrations. The state of self-satisfaction in Alabama has been litigated and debated across the state and country.


I just sent John Archibald the following email:

Hi John,

Read your column on Rep. Rogers bill to repeal the ban on sex toys. I don't know if you saw all of the hysterical things that happened after Troy King indicated he might trouble the legislature with this issue again in 2008 in hopes of making the anti-obscentiy law tougher (could it really be tougher?). I started a "Sex Toys for Troy King drive" on my blog and kicked it off by mailing him an inflatable, penetratable pig. I thought about sending a human type blow-up doll but did not want to encourage Troy to breed outside of his own species :) Now, I guess my gifting of the pig to Troy would count as a legislative purpose or a law enforcement purpose.
Anyway, the Press-Register ran four stories, three editorials and four editorial cartoons on the subject of the pig. It hit radio and TV stations all over the Southeast and went global with the internet. DAME Magazine ran the story as did the Village Voice and it is slated to be out in the next issue of Rolling Stone. Here is a link to all that happened. Once you click it read from the bottom up so it will all make sense.
Sex Toys for Troy King

Now, if Troy is foolish enough to launch any sort of protest of Rep. Rogers bill to repeal he law then he will get smacked around much harder than he has thus far. Not only do I have an adult pig costume and a volunteer to wear it I also have access to a leash-trained pot-bellied pig named "Luscious" who is more than willing to crash a few press conferences.

Boy Howdy I am looking forward to this legislative session. Don't make me whoop out the pig Troy!

Loretta Nall


Don said...

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall (which beats being one on a toilet seat where I might get pissed off) when Archibald read your email.

Your gift of the inflatable toy may get you in trouble for not registering as a lobbyist and reporting the cost of the pig. :-)

Loretta Nall said...

From all indications John Archibald got as big a kick out of Troy's humiliation as everyone else. I can't wait to see the media's and Troy's reaction when we crash his anti-sex toy press conferences with someone in a pig costume and potentially an actual pig.

We're a little worried about the actual pig named 'Luscious'. My close friend, who is the owner, said to me, "Loretta I know I can get you out of jail, but how the hell am I gonna get my pig back?"

Don, you may just have to venture to the State House when all this gets underway.

Don said...

You're not thinking about stuffing me into that pig costume, are ya'?