No T.S.A....You Cannot Have My Tampons!

by Loretta Nall

My trip to California the day after the election was my first trip on a plane in over a year. I haven't missed flying not one iota. I hate to fly. For one thing landing makes my eardrums feel like they are being sucked out with a shop-vac while simultaneously having ice picks driven into them. It's AWFUL! Not to mention that hurtling through the air in a metal tube at over 600 miles per hour 36,000 feet off the ground is a tad unnerving in its own right.

Not to be outdone in the unpleasant department the federal government has made airport security such a cluster-fuck that from now on I think I will just show up in my bathrobe completely naked underneath with some lube and a rubber glove for the untrained TSA agent that apparently just walked in off the street. That oughta simplify shit immensely.

Here is what happened this go round.

Not having flown in over a year I had forgotten the latest assertion by the government that Gatorade and other liquids can magically transform themselves into bombs and blow up planes. Other liquids apparently include mouthwash, Oil of Olay, shampoo, body wash and hand lotion. You see....I bought a bunch of travel sized goodies for my trip and packed them in my carry-on luggage just like I always do.

When my backpack went through the x-ray machine it was pulled and I got the usual "Who's bag is this?" from the TSA agent.

Dammit, it's five a.m. too early for this...what could possibly be in the bag to set it off?

Me: "It's mine"

TSA Agent: "May I have a look inside?"

Me: I wonder what would happen if I said no and if I really have any choice in the matter at all...
"Yes you can look in the bag."

The TSA Agent proceeds to paw through my personal belongings pulling out things like tampons, hair rollers, socks and so forth. He takes out my travel size Listerine, shampoo, body wash, my full size Oil of Olay, my chap stick and a few other small but costly items.

TSA Agent: "All of the liquid toilet items must be under 3 ounces and they must all be in a clear plastic bag if they are in your carry-on. You can check them and they do not have to be in a clear plastic bag."

I tell him I do not have a clear plastic bag and ask what difference it makes whether they are in a clear plastic bag in my carry on or loose in my checked baggage. He has no answer to that question.

TSA Agent: "Dem's jus da rules ma'am."

I am not sure there is any phrase that infuriates me more than that one. I'd almost prefer going deaf to ever hearing it again. Of course some smartass government official would teach it to the TSA agents and all other government nazi's in sign language so I suppose even deafness would offer no sanctuary. Likewise if I went blind they would force me to learn braille and tape that phrase to everything I touch....so screw it and just euthanize me now!

He tells me that the sandwich shop clear on the other side of the airport will sell me one for $1.50 but in order to go and get one I would have to go all the way back through security and come back again. Not gonna happen.

He tells me that I can keep all of the stuff if I place it in my checked baggage. That too would entail going all the way back to the check in gate with a bag that had things I did not want in checked baggage packed in it, waiting in line and having to basically do the whole process over.

The TSA Agent eyes my tampon box and says "This is too big."

Me: Oh bloody Christ please spare me from a public fight with a TSA agent over the size of my tampon box at 5 a.m. I really don't think I can take it.
"You can't take my tampons. I'm sorry but I simply have to draw a line there. They are not liquid...are you now pre-emptively confiscating things that might absorb liquid at some point in the future?"

He shoots me a "OK wise-ass" look but wisely leaves the pons alone then tells me that if I don't have a clear plastic bag for all of the items I will either have to place them in checked baggage or they will be confiscated.

I look at the stuff and decide to give it up....this time. There is no way I am about to navigate hell's gauntlet again over some toothpaste and shampoo. He takes my goods away. The total cost of lost goods was around $30.

Me and the tampons proceed to our gate. I sit down and begin to take inventory of my goods. After all of the fuss and the adamant claim that I could not board the plane unless those items were in a plastic bag or the plane would blow up I find in the bottom of my bag the matching conditioner for the shampoo, my tooth paste, my deodorant, my make-up and tubes of lip gloss. All of those items are also on the "banned-unless-bagged" list and I guess I have single-handedly proven that they are indeed safe outside the confines of a damn ziplock. No one was hurt and it didn't take a goddamned government study at taxpayer expense to figure out that these airport rules they change every week do not keep anyone safe whilst navigating the friendly skies....if for no other reason than an untrained TSA Agent overlooked half of the contraband.

I wonder what happens to the things they confiscate? I guess TSA agents and their families get to divy up the loot and live like kings and queens in toiletry heaven happily ever after.

God help us all! And I want my stuff back.