That Naughty Pig

As most of my readers know I own a male pot belly pig named Snuffalufagus, who is very sweet and likes his tummy scratched whenever he can get it. What they don't know (unless they have owned one and found out the hard way) is that pigs are completely oversexed animals (if you don't have them castrated when they are young) and will hump anything even remotely round.

I didn't have mine castrated when he was young. My vet dislikes pigs immensely and would not do it. He told me to find an old black farmer to do it. I asked a friend of mine if he knew of any farmers who fit that description and he said yes. I asked him about how the procedure was performed and he told me, "Well the farmer catch the pigs head up in a wooden thing, then he takes a razor blade and slices open the sac, pops out the balls, cuts them off, throws some turpentine in there and that's it. The pig will act like he dyin' for about 4 days then he will get up and be fine...most of the time anyway." I asked about anesthesia for my little pig and was told that none would be given.

Since I like my pig and thought that procedure sounded a lot like torture, I decided against getting him castrated. I now deeply regret that decision.

See, my pig is a flat out sex maniac. He humps anything round. Barrels, logs, he's made more than one attempt at the goats, cats, and would probably go after the dog if he could get close enough. We gave him a barrel a few months ago....but after a fierce bout of pig/barrel fornication, in which he rolled it down the driveway, across the road and into the neighbors yard (forcing me into a very embarrassing situation of having to explain why my pig was in my neighbors yard having relations with a barrel) we took it away.

Now, the pig has gotten his revenge. Every day (at least until this week) Snuffy was allowed to be out of his pen for a few hours in the evening. He likes to roam around in the woods, root for acorns, muscadines, and other tasty things to eat, and terrorize the other animals who happen to be out when he is. Other than a time or two, I have never known him to travel to the neighbors yard (remember the barrel episode?) and never gave it much thought. However, I should have foreseen what was bound to happen.

A few weeks ago one of my neighbors put up her Halloween decorations. Their house sits right next to mine and so her decorations, which consist of a scarecrow hanging on a fence and a large, ROUND, pumpkin, are just a few feet from the bottom of my driveway.

When we first noticed the decorations my husband said, "You know pig is going to go after that pumpkin...he won't be able to resist it." I said...'Man I hope not."

And then it happened. Day before yesterday I hear a knock on the door. When I answer it I see my neighbors adult son standing there. After we exchange pleasantries he asks me, "Say...y'all ain't seen a large plastic pumpkin around here anywhere have you? I seen your pig just humping the hell out of it yesterday afternoon and now it's disappeared. My mama really loved that pumpkin."

I don't think I've ever wanted to crawl under a rock so badly in my life.

"No", I said, "I haven't seen a pumpkin around anywhere. And I am so sorry you had to witness that incident. My pig has a thing for all things round. Let me look around the property and see if I can locate your pumpkin. If I can't I will replace it or give your mom the money if I am unable to find one."

He was agreeable to that. So, I looked all over my 2.15 acres of wooded property and there was no large, bright orange plastic pumpkin to be found. Piggy has her stashed somewhere I guess. I just can't figure out where he would have hidden it. Hell, you'd think a big orange plastic pumpkin with a jack-o-lantern face would be pretty easy to spot. Not so...at least not in this case.

So, yesterday I went to Walmart with the intent of purchasing another plastic pumpkin to replace the one that piggy befouled. But they didn't have any. All they had were the inflatable kind for $50. And, let's face it, an inflatable pumpkin would fare far, far worse in a go round with piggy than a plastic one did.

Anyone know where I can get a large, plastic pumpkin? I feel bad about my animal destroying another's property and want to replace it.

Piggy is currently on lock down until I can get him a better place built that won't require him being let out to roam every day. I hate that because he so enjoys being loose, kicking up his heels, wagging his tail, and trotting around the yard. But, nothing round is safe when he is loose and in the interest of preserving neighborly relationships I will keep him secure until a better pen is built or until I can find someone with adequate facilities to take the horny little porcine.

Say, anyone want a pig?


UPDATE: PUMPKIN FOUND!

As you can see he stashed her in a huge stand of nasty looking saw briers! That damn pig! Now I gotta wade through those evil things to rescue her and return her to her spot in front of the Scarecrow.