Monday, October 10, 2011

The Lucifer Pig

So, I've got this crazy pig, a Vietnamese pot bellied pig, a male, an intact male, and around this time of year for the last two years he gets downright unmanageable. Oh yeah he's a LARGE pig. I'd put him at least 150. He resembles a mini-tank...or a bulldozer....or maybe a rhinoceros is a more apt description. He has large tusks sticking out each side of his jaw. Sharp ones! He has huge teeth and an huge mouth and he is stronger than an ox. 

Now, nine months out of the year he's a really friendly guy. Follows us around the yard and wants belly rubs. But when fall rolls around he becomes a horny, disgusting lucifer of a pig. The bastard is downright scary and dangerous. I should have had him cut when he was young but the vet wouldn't do it and the proscribed method was to find an old farmer who knew how to wield a razor blade. This method involved no anesthesia and I just couldn't subject him to that. I cannot overstate how much I regret that unfortunate decision.

Fall is apparently mating season for pot bellied pigs, regardless of whether or not another pig of the opposite sex is nearby. There isn't a female pig anywhere near my house so the male pig, being the incredibly intelligent animal that he is, has found multiple substitutes for his absent piggy partner. Last year it was logs of firewood and a couple of empty white barrels. When he can get one he has settled for feed buckets. Pretty much anything with a round shape that isn't cemented down will do as a stand in for the real thing. 

This season the lucky girl is the ever lovely rectangular garbage can with wheels. You know, the ones that have to be placed at the end of a drive on trash day? Those. 

Since fall rolled around poor ol piggy has fallen very hard  in lust with the trash cans of two neighbors. Since the trash picks up on my side of the street all the cans have to be placed on that side. When piggy hears them rolling down the driveways destined for his side of the road he squeals with delight. He starts plotting. Gets very busy. And within minutes he has bitten through the chain link fence and worked himself free. We can't keep him penned up on trash day short of a damn underground concrete bunker. I'd put money on him even getting out of that when his gals stand so invitingly at the end of the driveway. 

And then, by god, come Friday morning it's on. And he's on....the trash cans.

As soon as the truck empties them and makes them easier to roll around and have his way with them, he shoots down the driveway like a pig with an ACME rocket attached to his ass and right there in front of God and everybody  he proceeds to make passionate love to his trash can. Doesn't matter which one he gets to first. Apparently he is equally fond of both. He knocks it down, rolls it around, mounts it from all sides and has his undisputed way with it.  With people driving and neighbors with small impressionable children looking on he sprays his nasty piggy jizz into every orifice of his trash can gal all the while squealing and grunting with delight. The wheels, the underside, the handle, he opens the top and gives the inside a good working over too. No can left unjizzed is the motto of this particular pig. And he can go at it for hours. Its like Ron Jeremy eat your heart out.

Last week he got my neighbor from across the streets can and rolled it into the woods. I didn't see it until a few days later. I retrieved it and washed it off and had my husband walk it back over to their house. They weren't home so he was spared the humiliation of offering an explanation. However, this past Friday they saw me at the mailbox and I had to offer up the explanation. Not fun. They are awesome people though, and having seen him go at it with one round object or another over the last few years, including the large plastic pumpkin belonging to the neighbor on my side of the street, they have developed a sense of humor about it. After we returned the can we were able to quarantine and barricade the bacony love machine....until this Friday morning anyway. And that's when all he'll broke loose.

One minute he is seemingly secure in his chain link fence and the next thing you hear is the loud bumping sound of him rolling around one of his bulky girlfriends. Then you have to go tearing out the door and down the driveway to try and wrestle one of his girls away from him. And that, my friends is no easy task. As I mentioned earlier he's a large, strong animal with huge teeth and he uses all of those attributes to keep anyone from disentangling him from his love interest. This Friday my husband went down and took the first can away from him. The pig fought him all the way back up the drive way. Piggy will bite in and hold on. And it's not like you can kick him off. You'd be apt to lose a foot. It's not like you can physically restrain him in any way at all. He's shaped like a muscular bullet and there is no where to grab hold of him. And even if you could grab hold of him no one wants to touch the filthy genetic material slime covered mean bastard anyway. ICK!!!

Well, as I said, my husband gets the first can away and eventually piggy returns to his own yard. We tried to trick him into going up. He was having none of it. None. Of. It. And all we could do is wait for round two. We didn't have to wait long either. Directly we heard the hollow booming sound of the empty can being raped from the bottom of the driveway. 

Now, I had just taken a shower and was on my way somewhere and didn't want to be anywhere the foulness of that beast. I thought, "Dammit I'm gonna get hog shit on my shoes and goo no telling where else on my person". I did not want to help. But since my husband did the first one alone I agreed, very reluctantly, to help him this go round.

Now on the first disentangling adventure none of the neighbors were out and about. Not so lucky this go round. My neighbor Budrow, a large and humorous black man with a deep voice and manner of speaking that always makes him sound like he's eating a large greasy pork chop, had ventured out to sit on his porch. Piggy had the other neighbors barrel just off the side of the road and...well you know what he was doing. At first my husband and I just stood there trying to devise a way to get the can away from him safely. The can was down a mild embankment covered with saw briers and slicker than goose shit. No good footing was to be had and the last thing on earth either of us wanted was to lose our footing and fall victim to the sexual advances, hell let's be really would have been sexual assault, of this rampaging, oinking, squealing horror. So, no going down the embankment to get it. Finally I retrieved a large stick from the truck and from a safe distance I was able to push and prod the pig off enough for my husband to grab the horribly defiled can and sprint for the damn truck to safety. 

All the while this spectacle is unfolding I can hear my neighbor howling and snorting laughter on his front porch. Right in the middle of our trying to get the can my neighbor hollers out, "Terry and Loretta das da horniest pig ah eva did see."  After the had exhausted his laughter over that witticism he hollers out, "Dat dar pig coulda been a porn star." And when he says porn it comes out sounding like it rhymes with cone. It's like pawn star.

When he said that I nearly fell down in the middle of the road laughing. If anything had been coming I would have been run over. There was no getting control over myself at that point because I am a sucker for humor, even sometimes at my on expense, and I'm sorry but that shit was funny.

I told my neighbor I had his can and would bring it back once it had been de-pigged. By this time piggy had run off to destination unknown and we thought since we now had both cans we were done with the humiliation at least until next Friday.


The very next day my neighbor drives up in my yard and asks for his trash can back. He also mentions that the sneaky pig has stashed a barrel (one that we had been searching for for months) behind his house in a ditch. He kindly requested that we get the barrel while we were there in an effort to keep piggy out of his yard. So we back the truck down again. My husband gets out and goes over to first get the barrel. Luckily piggy was elsewhere at the time, probably having his way with a tree in the woods or some such thing, so there was no wrestling it away from him. As soon as my husband reaches for the barrel my neighbor hollers out in his 'I'm eating a delicious, greasy pork chop voice, "I woulda had brought dat back to you but after all dat love he been done made to it I ain't wanna touch it."

Now, I like the pig when he isn't on a sexual assault rampage of all inanimate objects not welded, nailed or cemented down, but I've had enough. Enough to the point where if the guy who is supposed to come and relieve me of this terrible burden doesn't hurry, piggy is likely to meet with an unhappy end. 

I've always heard that vietnamese pot bellied pigs aren't good to eat. But as a friend so poignantly asked me the other day when I relayed this story, "Well, what in the hell do the Vietnamese do with them?"

Friday, October 07, 2011

When bullies get bullied

I've just returned from my daughter's school where web had a very lively discussion with the offending teacher from yesterday. Up front I will say that I intended to piss her off so I could see how she would react and then measure how her reaction coincided with my daughters description of how she acts in class. And, wouldn't you just know it....she acted just like my daughter said she would. Beautiful!

When we first got there the assistant principal said right off the bat that this teacher had received some emails asking for permission to use the restroom and that she, the teacher, felt it was harassment. I just nodded my head. I don't think it constitutes harassment. If you work in government or for government in some way, in this case she is a teacher and therefore a state employee, and you do something that outrages the public then they are perfectly within their rights to let you know about it. Her email address is public.

But anyway the asst. Principal said that his discussion with her had gone well and that she was sorry and so forth and so on. He said that, much to his surprise, she had even indicated a willingness to apologize to my daughter in front of the class. Her willingness to apologize implies guilt in my eyes. I told him that was fine but that I still wanted to have a chat with her. Then he invited her in. And things got complicated. Quick.

I don't remember exactly what I said first. I believe I asked her to explain to me why she felt the need to make such a big deal out of a request to use the restroom. I told her I could maybe understand her reaction if there was a history of my daughter abusing bathroom privileges. There isn't. And even if there was it would not excuse the teacher's behavior. Something to put her on the defensive for sure. Could have been the fact that I went in with the intent to handle things like a prosecutor. I deposed the defendant. Before the meeting I had my daughter write down everything she remembered from yesterday. I then proceeded to go down the list and ask the teacher if she had said those things.

"Did you tell my daughter that there is no way she had to use the restroom right after the bell rang but not before? If so, then explain how you are more attuned to her biological functions than she is?"

I asked her, "After my daughter returned from the restroom did you ask her in front of everyone if she knew how to use the bathroom?"

I asked her if after my daughter returned from the restroom and was obviously in the throes of a panic attack did she check on her or ask if she needed the nurse. She claims she did. My daughter says differently.

She denied saying any of that. Just flat denied it. Which is exactly what I expected. But she wasn't convincing.

At one point I asked her that after my daughter returned from the restroom did my daughter inform her that there should be an email in her box concerning restroom breaks? She said yes. I asked her if she then checked her email to confirm that and she said yes. I asked her if she, after reading the email, apologized to my daughter for her conduct and she said yes.

My daughter said no, that what actually happened was that the teacher subjected her to further ridicule in front of the class and even kept her after class to lecture her some more. Later on I brought the issue of the email up again and the teacher completely changed her story and denied that my daughter ever said anything about a possible email from the nurse. I reminded her that only a few minutes before she had answered yes to those questions. She denied ever answering yes.

Now, I may or may not have a recording of the entire exchange :) Plus, she said all of that in front of a witness.

I brought up previous incidents that my daughter has shared with me involving this teacher. Namely her propensity to invade personal space and take the liberty of touching my daughter. She likes to put her hand on the student's shoulders and squeeze. I explained that my daughter does not like to be touched if she hasn't invited anyone to touch her. Further, I told her that I see that form of touch as intimidation because it implies that someone else has physical power over your person. I informed her that she is never again to lay one finger on my daughter. She seemed very offended and put off and said, "Well I can promise you
that I will never touch her again!"

"Good then we understand each other," I said.

I then mentioned what my daughter told me a few weeks ago about an altercation she had with this teacher regarding an admission slip. After a student is absent, in order to get back into class, they have to have an admission slip from the office. The excuse for the absence had not made it to the office yet and my daughter thought it had to be there in order to be given an admission slip. When she tried to explain this to the teacher the teacher started her usual routine of ridicule and humiliation in front of the class.

When I asked the teacher if this happened she denied ridiculing my daughter and then immediately contradicted herself by saying out loud and in front of me, "I asked her how she ever made it to 9th grade without knowing what an admission slip is."

For the record my daughter is an honor student and unless it has changed very recently turning in admission slips has nothing to do with whether or not a student passes to the next grade.

Then I said, "And you don't think saying something like that in that manner and tone in front of the whole class is ridiculing or humiliating...condescending maybe? Hateful?"

She didn't. I opined that we obviously have very different views on what constitutes being ridiculing, humiliating, rude and hateful. It was beautiful for her to just come right out and be herself. It was exactly what I wanted her to do. Show her true colors.

Basically she claimed my daughter was rude and hateful and was lying about everything and that she herself was an unsoiled angel in all of this. I told her that I don't buy that because, as far as teachers go, I never get complaints about my daughter, that all I ever get is praise about how polite she is, how helpful she is, how mature she is, what a joy she is to have in class etc....

"Well she was rude to me," she said.

My daughter said, "I wasn't rude to you. I just asked for permission to go to the restroom and you blew up at me in front of the whole class."

Then this crazy whack job all of a sudden said to my daughter "I can still write you up right now!"

And boy howdy that did not go over well with me. I looked at her and said, "You do that but let me remind you that teachers no longer have tenure in Alabama."

She said, "Are you threatening me?" (Well, duh?)

My daughter piped up and said, "Well you just threatened me."

I couldn't believe the teacher was foolish enough to threaten my daughter with a write up a day after the fact and while we were sitting in the office discussing the teachers hateful nature and bullying ways. It was her final attempt to hang on to her imaginary authority. And it was a colossal mistake.

I said, "You can take it however you like...I'm merely pointing out the fact that you no longer have tenure and you'd do well to remember it."

At this point the assistant principal saw that there would be no resolution. He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that I wished to file a formal complaint and that I was prepared to take it to the top if the education food chain. He again mentioned that the teacher had offered to apologize in front of the class and did we still want that. Before I could say anything my daughter spoke up and said, "I don't want her apology because it wouldn't be sincere." I concurred and stated that her speaking some empty words would not prevent this from happening again. At the point the teacher got up and stormed out. It was hard to keep from giggling...but somehow I managed it.

During further discussion with the assistant principal he pointed out that I hadn't really been nice and had been more than a little provocative. I admitted to as much. My whole intention was to push the teachers buttons and see how she would react. And she did just what I thought she would. Fell right into my trap.

As we got up to leave he asked my daughter if she was checking in. I told him that she would not be checking in (she was very upset) and that she also wouldn't be marching with the band tonight, mainly for medical reasons. I said we would go around to the band room and let the instructor know and the assistant principal said, "Mrs. Nall after that confrontation I think it would be unwise for me to allow you to go anywhere on campus unsupervised." I found that highly amusing.

I held up my hands and said, "I am unarmed except for my tongue." But, in the end, I accepted his offer to inform the band instructor that my daughter would not be there tonight.

Now on Monday I have to go back to the school and start the formal complaint process. This isn't over. And while it may sound odd to some of you I must admit that I had more fun today than I've had in months. There is nothing quite as satisfying and getting to bully a bully. There is nothing like making someone lose their composure like I made that teacher lose hers. I really should have gone to law school.

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Is it school or prison?

Please GO HERE and ask Mrs. Hand for permission to use the restroom. Click the permission link to send her an email request.

It gets harder every day to distinguish between public school and prison. Today has been one of those days.

My daughter has been having alot of medical problems recently. After visit to the doctor yesterday and a medication change I sent a note to the school this morning instructing all her teachers to allow her as many restroom breaks as she needs and to not ask any questions about it. When she got to school this morning she gave my note to the school nurse who converted it into an email and sent out to all teachers. I didn't expect any problems. I mean my instructions were damn clear. If my child expresses a need to go to the restroom then she is to be allowed to do so. End of story.

However, there is this one old bat who can't follow simple instructions. I got an email from my daughter about ten a.m. Asking me to come and pick her up because she had a nasty confrontation with a teacher when she asked to go to the restroom. The bat jumped all over my daughter and humiliated her in front of the entire class about restroom breaks. She said "why didn't you go before the bell rang?" My daughter answered that she didn't have to go then. The bat said "well you know the have to go before the bell rings." To which my daughter responded that she's sorry but her biological functions aren't on a bell schedule. My god she's not a Pavlov's dog.

My daughter informed her that there was an email in her inbox just waiting to be clicked on that I had sent to school today about restroom breaks. The bat responded that she doesn't have time to check her email, that she has so many other things to do...blah blah blah...even though the asst. Principal said a few minutes ago when I went up there that teachers are instructed to check their email multiple times a day and that they have even been over it multiple times in staff meetings. And if she was sitting in front of her computer (which she was) then why not just check the damn email and avoid humiliating my daughter and getting me up her ass? I guarantee checking the email would have been the wiser course of action. But too late for that now.

Further, the old bat started telling my daughter that she needs to learn to do what she's told and to just sit down and shut up. Now, I don't know about other people but I did not raise my kids to sit down and shut up when other people tell them to. I did not raise them to bow authority just for the sake of bowing. I raised them to speak up for what is right and to always stand up for themselves. Sit down, shut up and do what you're told is NOT in our vocabulary. Never will be. I'm not the kind of parent who addresses school problems by siding with the oppressors and telling them to "whoop their ass and send them back to class". In fact, I am adamantly opposed to corporal punishment. That isn't an issue in this case but I'm trying to make the point that I am not the average parent and my kids aren't the average kids. And I'm proud of that.

So I called the school and asked to speak to this old bat. She was unavailable. So I talked to the assistant principal about this incident. He told me he could meet with me and the bat in the morning. I told him that I was on my way to the school right then. When I got there my daughter was in his office explaining what happened. The first thing I said to her and the assistant principal was "The next time any teacher denies your request to go to the bathroom you have my permission to drop trou and take a massive shit on their desk." Then I told the assistant principal that not even in prison are people required to ask for permission to take care of biological functions.

He was very nice and accommodating. He told my daughter that next time permission for a restroom break is denied that she can just walk out and go anyway and then they can deal with the fallout afterward. I like the idea of her shitting on the teachers desk much more as an act of civil disobedience...but I guess it is impractical. Would get the fucking point across though.

Tomorrow at 11 I am going back to the school to meet with the assistant principal and this hateful bat. The assistant principal warned me that she is stubborn. I say she has no idea what stubborn is as she hasn't tangled with me yet. I told him that I want her to be forced to apologize in front of the entire class since she saw fit to humiliate my daughter in front of the entire class. He said I may not get that. I then told him I'd be happy to remind her that teachers no longer have tenure and that her job is not guaranteed. If I don't get what I want then I will take it all the way to the state board of education.

Be ready for fireworks!

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Don't Touch Me

Today after class I stopped off at a service station to pick up a few things. I was wearing my Vancouver Canucks jersey that Marc Emery gave me and also my STOP THE DRUG WAR backpack that I use to carry all my school books. The service station where I stopped is close to a State Trooper post. And as it happened there was an unmarked car there with a state tag on it. The man driving the car held the door for me. I didn't think anything about it. As I was at the register paying for my items he comes up behind me, puts his hand on my shoulder and asks, "What kind of hockey player are you?"

I looked at him and said "I don't play hockey." I was so stunned that he had touched me it was all I could think to say. And it was a stupid question. Had I not been stunned by his bold act I would have told him to take his fucking hand off me. Where does this guy get off thinking he has the right to touch anyone he isn't currently placing under arrest? I can't stand for my personal space to be invaded by anyone who isn't family or close friend. I most especially hate it when it is a cop using touch as a way to intimidate. And he only did it because he didn't like my backpack. What a fuck wad!

Unless I invite you to do so it is unwise to touch me. I value my personal space and will respect yours.