Ignorant 'Christians' PISS ME OFF!

If you are a non-believer like me then I know you will be able to relate to this one. Please know that this does not apply to all people who consider themselves Christians. I know many people of the Christian faith who get it and are smart, sweet, caring and act in the manner most resembling the Bible character Jesus. It isn't them I am about to rant in a very offensive manner about. It mostly applies to the backwoods, totally ignorant and completely tactless ones. The type we are unfortunately overrun with here in Alabama. You know...the snake dancin' kind?

Earlier this week I bought some chickens from the friend of a friend. For the longest time I had been wanting to stop at this place because there are all kinds of interesting animals out there and I wondered if she ever sold them. I never saw any signs and so never stopped.

I mentioned to my friend that I was looking for some baby chicks and she said she knew the people who lived at that place I had been wanting to stop at. She goes to church with them. Now, my friend is an open lesbian and so I thought if the people at her church accepted her then they would probably be pretty cool folks to buy some chickens from. Boy was I wrong.

After a tour of the farm and as I was about to take my leave the question of religion came up. The chicken lady said, "Where do you go to church at?" "Oh fuck," thought I.

I always dread that question because I know what will follow. A sermon. Which I am not inclined nor interested in listening to. And my rebuttal (cuz I ain't gonna take that shit from nobody) which always pisses people off...no matter how polite and reasonable I attempt to be.

I am an Atheist. I was an Atheist when I was a kid even though I thought I believed in god because my family believed in god and I was scared of not believing in god. The concept of hell and the boogey man is terrifying to a child. I always thought church was about as exciting and inspiring as having a lobotomy. 'ZZZZzzzzzzz.' "Is it 12 yet"..."I'm hungry and there's good food at home"...."I wish the preacher would shut up"....you know what I'm talkin about?

I finally realized I was an Atheist when I was about 25. And when Marilyn Manson stormed and shocked the MTV Music Awards in 1998 by singing "The Beautiful People" on stage in a topless,assless leather bustier with fishnets and high heels well, I knew it was for me. Remember what Chris Rock said afterwards? "Run to church right now! Get your asses in church or yer a goin to Hell." Man I though I'd die laughing.
If you haven't seen that here it is.


"I don't go to church," I said. "Why not?" chicken lady asked. Why is it they think they have the right to keep asking questions after you have answered the first one. Why can't they let it go at that? You know, live and let live and all of that? It's disrespectful to prod someone about their personal belief system. How would Christians like it if I started prodding them and attempting to convert them to my system of non-belief? Not too much I'd wager.

"Because I am not religious. I am Atheist. I don't believe in God." I told her. I mean hell, she asked, right? Now she switched from asking questions to condemning me straight to the firey pit. "Oh yer a goin ta hell and its'a gonner be so hot down'ere yer just gone burn to a crisp. And that's forever and ever and ever", chicken lady pronounced confidently and with a righteous gleam in her eye. She was like the female version of Reverend Billy Ray Collins on the John Boy and Billy show. She was truly that comical. It was hard not to laugh.

When she stopped to catch a breath I said, "Wow, you really believe that a 'loving God' who went to all the trouble to create us hapless humans, when none of us asked for it, would really burn us forever and ever and ever? And, since you want to talk about this, the word hell when translated back into Hebrew is Sheol which means 'grave'. It has nothing to do with a firey pit or anything of the like."

"Don't matter none whether we asked for it or not. God created us and he gave us free will and yer a goin ta hell for not believing", said chicken lady. "Free will huh?" I asked. "How is it free will if I choose not to believe and get burned forever for it? Sounds more like mafia fire insurance to me." She looked confused at that analogy so I explained further. "You know, where the mafia tries to sell you insurance and if you don't buy it they burn your establishment/home down?"

"Well yer still a goin to hell," said chicken lady.

I told her I would send her a telegram in Heaven to send me an Icee. She said that wouldn't be possible. I said I might rethink my position then and just when she looked hopeful that I was ready to swallow her viewpoint hook line and sinker and was getting ready to go chalk another one up for her Pearly Gate tally I said, "Not really I was joking!"

I asked her why she did believe in God and she stood there dumbfounded for a few minutes (apparently no one ever made her question her own blind belief before) and then she said, "There's been so many things that's happened in my life that could only be god. My son survived an auto accident and that could only have been god. And we got the bible that tells us everythang," she told me. I asked her if her son came straight home after the accident. She said "No, he spent a lot of time in the hospital." I asked her if she didn't think maybe medical science had a lot to do with his recovery. She said "NO," . "What else?", I asked her. She couldn't think of any more 'miracles' from her own life to try and convince me.

At this point I made my exit as politely as I could by saying, "It's been real nice talking to you and thanks for the tour of your farm."

I can't for the life of me figure out why people in 2009 still believe in an imaginary sky wizard. I don't begrudge them their belief. Not at all. They, like me, are free to believe or disbelieve whatever they want. But many of them don't respect the right of others to believe or disbelieve as they want. The self-righteous ignorant are dangerous. People like them start wars over a fucking idea or belief. "My gods bigger than your god" type shit. Things that aren't even tangible or proven to exist and millions die and our whole damn state and much of the country is controlled by them.

WHY?

UPDATE: My first cousin who is a good Christian and who I love absolutely to death just wrote me and said: "You didn't finish the story....did she sell you baby chicks or not, you heathen?" (Long live Novella!)

Yes, she sold me 10 chickens. They should'a been free after I had to listen to all her unprovoked proselytizing. I wonder if a Christian will go to hell for selling an Atheist chickens?