Wednesday, July 09, 2008

If I'd a knowed that I'd a sent Troy King a Blow-Up Boar Hawg

ANOTHER UPDATE: Troy King Whoops Out "What About the Children?" in his defense!!

UPDATE:Waiting for the other high-heeled, spurred, red-leather, cowboy boot to drop

UPDATE: John McCain Camp Scrubs Website of "Troy King"

WELCOME Wonkette Readers!!!

WELCOME Crooks & Liars readers!!!

DON'T MISS I'M Troy King and I'll Blow

This is not about being gay. This is about being a hypocrite...of the highest order

There is an official denial of the rumor about Troy King I can say what the rumor is.

According to rumors flying around for the last week Troy King, our rabidly homophobic, anti-sex toy, Sunday School teaching, pro-execution Republican Attorney General is GAY! And I don't mean that as in happy either. I'd bet he is anything but happy right now. In fact, according to two sources he is about to resign. Also posted here.

I have been sitting on this story for about a week. Truth is I am SORE from having to sit on it so long....but not as sore as Troy King is. Badda Bing! I would have blogged about it when I first learned of it but I can't afford a defamation lawsuit and Troy King already hates my guts anyway because of this...

Ya know...J.D.Crowe was a lot closer to the truth with that toon than anyone realized at the time...with the exception of maybe Troy King. I bet when Troy first saw it he did a double take and wondered, "Who in the hell gave them that photo?" before realizing it was a drawn cartoon.

Two Alabama bloggers emailed me asking if I had heard the rumor that King Troy's wife caught him in bed with a MAN and kicked him out of the house around the time of the Special Session. Could I confirm it?

Not sure why they thought I had an inside line on Troy's sex life (perish the thought...ICK!) Perhaps it had something to do with the pig?? But, I was damn happy they shared the rumor with me.

Even though I am an Atheist I began praying to Jesus, in the event that I am wrong and he is actually there, to please grant me this one request and let the Troy King rumor be true. Please. Amen.

I have some friends in pretty high places in Alabama politics so I called one of them up with the juicy details. They told me they heard a rumor about his sexual orientation some six months ago from a former reporter with a large, credible newspaper in Alabama. I also know that reporter and knew them to be very credible. The rumor at the time was that Troy's mystery man was his old college roommate who he gave a position to when he took over the AG office in 2004. Supposedly when Troy was out of town so was lover boy.

The story then became that the mystery man was a young man who had just graduated from Troy University and was the Homecoming King(no pun intended) (God that gets confusing...Troy King with the homecoming king who graduated from Troy) and that was who the wife walked in on. Then a few weeks later Troy and his boy toy from Troy were spotted at the YMCA (not kidding) engaging in....ummmm....inappropriate activities. the YMCA...made famous by the Village People. Apparently Troy has no inkling of what it means to be 'discreet'.

I'm betting they are both true. If Troy King can be a closet gay and Alabama Attorney General at the same time then there exists in this universe the infinite possibility for him to be a promiscuous, closet gay, Alabama Attorney General. But apparently closet and promiscuous don't go so well together. But, hell, no one is claiming that he's smart are they?

Time for a parody song....

Heard it from a friend who
Heard it from a friend who
Heard it from another you been messin' around
They say you got a boyfriend
You're out late every weekend
They're talkin' about you and it's bringin' me down

You take it in the buns baby
If thats the way you want it baby
Then I don't want you around

Sorry, I could not help myself. I have this thing for parody songs. Latex in Montgomery indeed!

There are so many things that make this a delicious story. Gay Sex, high ranking elected officials who are rabidly anti-gay in public but turn out to be gay in private, they get caught at the YMCA (of all places), the whole sex toy incident, the 'below the belt' legislation that Troy has made a focal point during his time in office, his desire to be the guy who injects death row inmates with deadly chemicals. I bet this is why he objects to DNA testing, ya know? Wonder where all they would find his DNA? It's really not much different than what Bill Clinton did with Monica Lewenski...except Troy is a Republican and his mystery partner is GAY!! Lordy, does it get any better than this?

This whole thing makes you wonder what else Troy was lying about, doesn't it? I mean I was a little surprised that the rumor was only 'gay'. I fully expected underage boys to be found chained in his dungeon. It could still happen, ya know? I don't think they've made it to exploring his dungeon yet.

And did he have a secret closet stash of sex toys when I gifted him with the pig? Inquiring minds want to know. I hear from reliable sources that he and his office staff were deeply offended by the pig. Maybe that's because she was a young sow and not a young boar hog. My apologies and all...but , hell, who knew?

Here is the real parody song the tune of Bobby Brown by Frank Zappa

Hey there, people, I'm Troy King
I'm a cute Bama boy and I like to swing
My wife doesn't know or else she'd kill me
Hope those gay porn channels don't start to bill me

Here I am an elected dude
Im dressin sharp
n im Actin rude
Hired a homecoming king
He graduated from Troy
Let him do all the work
then I'll make him my boy

Oh God I am an Alabama Queen
I do not think I'm too extreme
An I'm a handsome sonofabitch
Im gonna get a hand job
And try not to get caught by my bitch

(get a hand
Get a hand
Get a hand
Get a hand job)

Gay liberation
Came creepin across the nation
I tell you people I was not ready
When I fucked this young boy
By the name of Freddie
He made a little speech then,
Aw, he tried to make me say when
He had my balls in a vice, but he left the dick
I guess its still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick

Oh God I am an Alabama Queen
But now I smell like vaseline
An Im a miserable sonofabitch
Do I like boys or ladies...i dont know which

(I wonder wonder
Wonder wonder)

So I went out n bought me a rubber suit
It fits real tight, but Im still kinda cute
Got a job doin prisoner execution promos
An none of the Republicans can even tell I'm a homo

Eventually me n a friend
Sorta drifted along into s&m
I can take about an hour on the tower of power
long as I gets a little golden shower

Oh God I am an Alabama Queen
With a spindle up my butt till it makes me scream
An I'll do anything to get some head
I lay awake nights fearin', my career is dead!
Oh god, oh god, Im so fantastic!
Thanks to Republican politics, I'm a sexual spastic
And my name is Troy King
I have a wiener and guys make it go schwing,
And my name is Troy King
I have a wiener and guys make it go schwing.

All the joking and wordplay is fun and if this turns out to be true then there will be more of it from all sectors. But amidst all the clamor let's not forget the accusation is that the person who he is supposedly having an affair with was an employee. One of the reasons that the AG in Ohio had to resign or he was going to be impeached was an affair in the office. The AG is the person responsible for up holding the laws of the state, that means he has to be held to a higher standard than you or I.


Anonymous said...

Of course there are no comments. Who could improve on this?

Helen said...

anonymous is right, but thank you's are in order!

Anonymous said...

I wonder if he ever hooked up with Aldridge? hahahaha!

Mac said...

Seriously, you didn't know he was gay? I thought everyone knew and we'd agreed not to discuss it. He writes long editorials about how gays are immoral and AIDS is punishment and he surrounded himself with attractive young male subordinates. The biggest reason I doubt this story is simply that no one could be so thick as to be married to him and not know.

Loretta Nall said...

I had a sneaking suspicion Mac...but mine tended more along the lines of child sex predator...based on the issue he did the most grandstanding on.

Don said...

This story or rumor, whichever it is, seems to have reached its peak yesterday and may now subside, being discounted as being only an explosive rumor. I wonder if we will ever know what the truth of the matter is.

Anonymous said...

...not only are you one of the best political commentators but a Zappa fan. Wow.

Anonymous said...

saw this on another blog in the comments:

Suggestion: henceforth, whenever a closeted GOPerv who rails against teh gayz gets busted for doing the nasty with a same-sexer, we say he was “troyking.”


Q: “What did Senator Dick Inmouth get arrested for?”

A: “He was caught troyking.”

A living legacy left by an estimable hypocritical asshole.

Like “Santorum,” only marginally less puke-inducing.

Anonymous said...

Once these curious closet cases are penetrated and enjoy prostate stimulation, they get addicted to the pleasure. Seriously, the devil, pornography, alcohol, drugs, or some Democrat will end up taking the blame for Troy becoming a power bottom. I think we should all send condoms and astroglide to his office.

Unknown said...

Anybody who can 'Weird Al' a Zappa song is OK in my book!

Anonymous said...

Everyone Gay in Montgomery knows that the "Y" is a very popular cruising location!

Anonymous said...

I went to law school with that fool, and I swear I thought he was queer all three years. He was basically invisible, no friends that I remember. I only learned to hate him after his political ascendency. Anyway, PLEASE let this be true!

Anonymous said...

You are all sorts of hilariously fabulous. So, so, SO entertaining!

mary77 said...

In NE OH, Dann had quite the frat party as A-G. Chatter is, the female partner was a beard. Just chatter, I'm sure.

Anonymous said...

Just s.o.p. for Alabama A.G.'s...err
politico's in general.

p.s. Troy:
u g0t pwn3d like a n00b.n0w y3r the fuckstick !

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Loretta Nall said...

Please don't post anymore links to pictures of the reported homecoming king. People can look that up on goofle if they like but I feel uncomfortable with the link being posted here.

Anonymous said...

Maybe he just has a wide stance? Come on people, he's a Republican, truthiness and hipocrisy come with the territory.

Anonymous said...

I tell ya, this story and the rising waters of the blog gossip make me want to go down south on y'all. As the constituent of a senator Frank Zappa skewered (Orin Hatch On Skis) I have to compliment your reworking of the sleazy fave Bobby Brown. I'm sure Frank would be very proud to have given your satire a running start. That King is a right pretty boy though, eyes a little close together, probably from trying to smoke pole and watch it too. Would you say cock eyed? I have a few ideas on how to make his punishment fit his crime, just in case you are running short of sadistic perverts and need my help.

Anonymous said...

LanceThruster said...

As you said, it's NOT about being gay. It's about being a hypocrite and screaming the loudest in order to divert attention from your own proclivities.

It was said that J.Edgar Hoover was the most powerful person of the 20th century in that he had the dirt on almost everyone and was not hesitant to use it.

In the coming police state, confidential information of this sort will be used to keep people in line (and most likely is all ready being used).

Anonymous said...

Anybody think about the legal ramifications here??? By Appointing a personal assistant & paying him with public funds in exchange for sexual favor Mr King has also violated many federal & state legal statutes & should stand trial & go keep some of his buddies company in the pokie (no pun intended). Besides~~ he might just decide he enjoys have a full assortment of "boyfriends" to pick from!! won't even have to use kool-aid on those rosy cheeks. ;o)

Anonymous said...

Legal ramifi... nah!

We don't call trading jobs for money and sex corruption any more. It's been going on so long now we just call it "government."